"It belongs in a museum!"

We woke before eight, dressed, and went to breakfast. The covered section of the restaurant was too dark, so we sat outside. After breakfast we returned to our room to find that it was being cleaned, so we went back to the lounge where we talked with Deborah about what she had been up to. She still seemed a little apprehensive about a few things, but was enjoying her stay overall. She thanked us for the advice and recommendations that we gave her, and we parted ways. The resort had a collection of obviously pirated DVDs available for check out, so we grabbed a couple to take back to our room. Unfortunately, we couldn't get them to work. In fact, the only thing we were able to watch on our TV were broadcasts of the resort's co-owner, Nicky, giving cooking demonstrations. Nicky was the spitting image of Bobby Farrell from Boney M., complete with shiny 70s style shirts, buttoned down halfway.

We opted for a swim in the less cold of the two cold swimming pools. Not surprisingly, I managed to rip my swimming shorts as I walked by a giant poolside vase adorned with a mosaic of sharp shards of colored glass. The decor was already trying to kill me, as I suspected it would. This particular pool had a giant, smiling brown dick tiled into the bottom of it, complete with little sperms shooting out of it and swimming around. I'm not kidding. And this was only one of many dicks we would discover during our stay. Later that day we discovered the resort gift shop, the contents of which mainly constituted gigantic wooden dick figures and a selection of softcore porn videos. We began to discuss whether Maruba hadn't been conceived as some kind of remote sex club. It appeared as if the intent was to induce an orgy among the guests. Sensual, pulsing electronic music played in the lounge area at all hours of the day (a sample of this genre plays automatically on their website). There were wide, low, pillowed surfaces everywhere, perfect for screwing on. The lighting was constantly turned down low. This place was trying way too hard to get people to fuck.

We headed back to our room to for a perilous, slippery shower, and then reapplied ample bug spray. You could never have enough bug spray in this place. The mosquitos were numerous and ravenous. At three o'clock we headed back to the lounge to rendezvous with our driver and guide, Amilcar, who would take us for a sundown trek to the nearby ruins of Altun Ha, an ancient Mayan city. This site was unknown to archeologists until the 1960s due to being remote and well hidden by the dense jungle. We were joined by two lady friends from New York who were very talkative, but fun. When we arrived at the ruins we were the only five people there, which was simultaneously eerie and wonderful. At first we wore ponchos due to heavy rain, but it soon lightened up enough for us to remove them. Amilcar gave us a preliminary talk about the site's structures in the center courtyard, and then we set out to explore the ruins close up.

A partially excavated mound

Small pyramidal structure

Charlie and Amilcar chat in front of a partially excavated structure

Wannabe Indiana Jones

Face sculpted on a low wall

The site was so beautiful that I got all emotional about it. Anyone who has known me for a while knows that I dig archeology (pun intended) and even considered going into it as a career, so this kind of thing is right up my alley. I had been dreaming about exploring Mayan pyramids from a very young age. Amilcar pointed out the local flora, which included the strangler tree, allspice, and plum. 

A strangler tree doing what it does best

Then we climbed the Sun God's tomb. The ascent was not as difficult as I expected it to be and the view was well worth it. Amilcar issued the standard warnings about watching our step on the way up. When we stood near the edges at the very top, he pointed out, "You only die once." It was too cloudy to appreciate the sunset, but that didn't diminish my experience one iota.

Sun God's Tomb. That's me and Cha on top.

Fist raised in triumph

Stone carvings on the Sun God's Tomb

Three-quarter view of the Sun God's Tomb

Looking out over the plaza

Archeology is for lovers

Jungle as far as the eye can see

Amilcar demonstrates how one would have to genuflect to climb the pyramid steps.

As we departed the site, Amilcar paused to pull up a long blade of grass, then inserted it into what looked like a small snake hole in the ground, wiggling it back and forth to entice the occupant. After a moment, a few black, spindly legs emerged, quickly followed by the large hairy brown and black body of a tarantula. For some reason I was expecting a reptile to come out of there, and although I'm not particularly squeamish about spiders, for some reason this surprise startled me so much that I actually screamed and ran a few steps before I realized what I was doing. I immediately felt silly and walked back to the hole, where Amilcar tsk-tsked me for causing the spider to retreat back into her den. He teased her out again with the blade of grass and this time she chased it around the entrance of her den much like a cat with a piece of string. He covered the hole with his foot so that she could not go back in and, in response, she postured menacingly at him, raising a leg as if to warn him not to test her.

The annoyed tarantula threatens Amilcar's shoe.

Sunset colors as the clouds thin

Before we got back into the van, I ventured into the too-dim-for-comfort public restroom and, as I exited, some unseen creature hissed at me. I remembered this video that I had seen on Youtube of a large aggressive spider attacking a man's foot as he used it to raise a toilet seat to check underneath for critters. I rejoined the group where Charlie was buying an overpriced stalk of sugarcane from a stinky man with dreadlocks, and then we piled into the van. Amilcar drove like a madman down the dark road and, at Cha's request, we stopped at a tiny convenience store for some snacks.

Dinner at the resort was good that evening, but once again the dessert sucked. As we dined, a new group of travelers showed up. Among them was a loud middle aged woman and her 20-something platinum blonde daughter who looked like she belonged in a porno. Hey, maybe Maruba would be perfect for her. She immediately saw Tracy, the young man we rode in with, and sidled up to him at the bar, asking him if he wanted to "hang out". We finished our dinner and walked back to our penthouse, passing by the hot tub where we found Tracy and Blondie taking a dip together. We overheard her telling him that he should come back to her room so that she could show him something on her computer. Mind you, this all transpired in less time than it took for us to eat dinner. Homegirl didn't waste no time.